Bit by bit. Little by little. The art of re-shelving head space!

About six months ago I can remember putting my two babies to bed and returning to the kitchen to sit with and chill with my husband as he cooked dinner. We got chatting and I ended up in tears realising how sad and very much lost I was feeling. As a result, I tried to justify to him what a good idea it would be for me to leave my job and stay at home to look after our boys until they both started school. This would have been in two years time. The sinking feeling that I had made a HUGE mistake going back to work when I should have been at home enduring every possible moment with them was eating me up inside. My job wasn't satisfying me and the pay was poor, why would I want to stay when I could be at home with them instead? Perhaps if I was fulfilled and saw a future in it then things would have been different but as far as I could see straight, it wasn't worth the sacrifice of being without them.

Knowing me too well, not working didn't seem like a sensible option for my other half and I was encouraged to think seriously about handing in my notice without anything else to go to. A little while later I did anyway (WOOPS!!! MY BAD!!!) and promised I would dedicate myself 110% to setting up a small business which I could manage from home, allowing me to have a much better work/life balance. Something that I am fully aware many parents strive for every single day. It's an ongoing battle which we struggle with constantly BUT a battle worth fighting for because we want to GET IT RIGHT! It wouldn't be right for me to not work, as I explained in my first blog post, I do need to keep motivated and active. If challenged and creatively stimulated I love to work and looking at the bigger picture, to step away from work altogether for 2 years would probably be damaging to me as an individual. I have learned that there is no harm in admitting that as much as my children are my number one priority in every aspect of EVERYTHING, my self identity is crucial, not only for me but for them as well.

Pumpkin Pie Face

Whadda a guy! :)

Everything has been going very well. In summary, I had a client pretty much straight away and I am delighted with the strong relationship we now have, I believe they are happy with my work and I am really enjoying it. Doing the general marketing on and offline for the Pelican Fish and Chip Restaurant in Barnstaple, pelicanfishandchips.co.uk, (website soon to change!). I have created my first Marketing Strategy and a rolling Social Media Plan. I have negotiated a weekly radio competition giving them excellent coverage and there are some events coming up too. Brilliant. Some beautiful artwork produced to entice the little customers produced by my incredible friend Dora Wright too, you must check out her work (honeybunnyandpumpkinstationery.blogspot.co.uk).  I set up my office on the top floor of our home which became my 'Hive' for concentration, it was a godsend and I felt like it was all ticking along nicely!!!

Absolutely love this happy Pelly! By Honey Bunny & Pumpkin Stationery, commissioned by the Pelican Fish and Chip Restaurant in Barnstaple. 

NOW what happened next was entirely circumstantial. Plans that were made prior to my deciding to start a business have caught up with me basically! Alas, I should have known it wouldn't all be plain sailing! A holiday with my mother to Sorrento, Italy came just as things were picking up. Which was totally incredible and I enjoyed it so much. We had the best time together, what a laugh! I'm very lucky to have a friend for a Mum. However, finding my feet after I returned was harder than I had anticipated. Obviously wanting to catch up on family time and embrace my 'abandoned by mother' children with all the love and time that I could give. Despite that actually they didn't even really care, they loved having boy time with Daddio. Next, during my absence my office space became a building site, something completely unavoidable. Yip, my savior space is under dust and furniture and grubby mess and my concentration just doesn't engage in there anymore. So, somehow with that my inspiration had taken a thump in the face.

Me and my gorgeous Mum. 

WAIT THERE IS MORE...Earlier in the year I committed to directing a musical for the amateur dramatic society I belong too. Atlantic Coast Theatre. I am so excited to be taking on this role and to have the opportunity however it is a big task. It's moving speedily towards auditions now and the weight is getting heavier and heavier. FINALLY last week I travelled up to Edinburgh to attend a weeks training course, a Professional Diploma in Digital Marketing. Very very intense and before I went I didn't feel prepared at all. In fact I was experiencing the most horrendous headaches...probably from that weight on my shoulders getting more and more significant!!! Now that it is complete I am so pleased that I went, but with an exam to sit in a few weeks, I have some serious graft to do!

To cut a long story short, this morning I hit a hard place. Life is obviously full on with two small children at the best of times, especially with  a husband working away frequently. If I am honest it's bloody lonely as well. Really lonely. Today was nursery day and I am ashamed to say that walking the two happy chappies down the road I was hiding tears beneath my sunglasses. Everything was crashing down from inside of me. My head space collapsing. Still excited from last nights Halloween activities, my eldest who will be 4 in February couldn't stop asking questions and jumping for glee every time he spotted a shriveling pumpkin on the neighbours doorsteps. I could barely muscle the energy to answer him. I felt very much like a sinking pumpkin myself.

Super sad pumpkin face.

When I got home I decided, this is OK, it was never going to be easy and there are things that should have been done differently. I have an exam to revise for, a house to keep together, a business to grow., THE SHOW MUST GO ON...BUT most importantly, I have two humans to take care of. This just won't do!

So what did I do??? I mopped...I tidied, I mopped some more, I cleaned the windows and unpacked my suitcase from last week which has been left abandoned on my bedroom floor for the last few days. THEN I went to my dear friends workplace where she had offered me the use of an empty office, here I could concentrate. What a difference. I actually focused, made lists and crossed things off lists and made some more. I SPOKE TO FRIENDS and said..."I cant do this without help" and they reassured me...Thank god for friends. I cleared space in my overly cluttered mind. Bit by bit, little by little I re-shelved. The grimy floors in the house were taking up space so I put them in a box and shelved them. Then I found a new hive and put my drifting mind into another storage container and filed that away, unpacking my suitcase...consider it archived. Making lists was like erecting shiny, new, very much needed storage space inside my tired head. And getting some work done was like putting clear labels onto all of those things. Cuddles before bedtime and having them fall asleep on me was me switching off the storage cupboard light and saying..."Good night, sleep tight, tomorrow is another day!". This is what I like to call the 'art of re-shelving ones head space'. Something that I think Ikea should be taking me up on!

Bit by bit. Little by little. 

SO why oh why have I written this despairingly awful post??? Because, like the mopping, and the unpacking and list making, It feels good to clear space in ones head. I needed to vent! Apologies! It is OK to hit hurdles during the startup process of a business and it is OK to not always have your s*** together. Nobody said this was going to be easy. CRIPES it is OK to hit hurdles and find life hard even during general day to day stuff.  This morning was crap, but I've bounced back, and I will continue to do so, because I am the eye of a Tiger!!!...OK...TOO MUCH!!!

Foundation Sensation

The definition of dilemma is...

...a situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two or more alternatives, especially ones that are equally desirable/ undesirable...

I find myself in quite a dilemma but I am taking this time to explain how I have managed to turn it into a positive. I am writing this blog, indeed for self preservation and to have something to look back on in ten years time when I am a successful business woman and third most richest human on the planet...or just when I need a reminder of how far I have come...that should do the trick! HOWEVER I also promised when I started this blog, that it would be an 'epic journey' of discovery for others who kindly read it. It discusses me, myself, a young mother of two making hard decisions in which time becomes split, priorities and responsibilities get mish mashed so bad you have days walking in small circles within your kitchen and you become not entirely sure whether your name is Holly or Bob Geldof...

Bob?...Bob is that you???

Then of course, this is also supposed to be about how I am starting a small business and what that entails. A whole well of tasks to do, admin to get through and research to be done. Don't even get me started on the HMRC... IT FREAKS ME OUT!!! I'm petrified that I might forget to fill out a form and will end up in prison in a years time for tax evasion or something that I didn't even know I was doing. Oh yeah, classic Holly...I can hear my mother talking now... "SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL TAX...PLEASE SET HER FREE!"...Classic Holly. I've seen Orange is the New Black and I don't wanna go there...sista! 

And finally, this was supposed to be a sophisticated blog about Digital Marketing something of which I have barely spoken about yet! I haven't written an academic or sensible word about Google Adwords, SEO, PPC, Online Advertising, Content Marketing...Nothing, nadda... I've merely tapped the head of good old Mr Social Media. #hastaghashtag

Time...it's all about time...One thing I didn't even stop to think about when I started eHive was the amount of time & headspace it actually takes to set up a business. Not just a Digital Marketing business, albeit how small it is. But any business. I am not trying to scare anyone, if you are reading this and have thought that you might like to one day set up a business of your own then please stay with me here...There are just some things to consider that I didn't consider which I wish I had considered because if I had considered them then I might have been more prepared...buzzzz buzzzzz...

Give yourself time, start slowly, don't expect to be up and running in a week. It's impossible. Get everything ready first and enjoy it! I got back from holiday having left my job a few days before and had a customer 2 days after registering the business name...and that was all I had done. So with two kids, husband offshore, a customer and pretty much just a name...It's been more intense than it needed to be. DO NOT GET ME WRONG...DO NOT!!! I am loving every single minute of this here experience and I am learning so much...I am proud that day by day I am getting through it but by jove I am looking forward to having the carpet laid so I can start putting the furniture in...are you with me? 

This is a list of some of the things you will need to consider if you are starting from scratch (most of which will cost money)...

• Registration
• HMRC 
• Bank Account
• Book Keeping - Invoicing, logging all ingoings and outgoings (KEEP YOUR RECEIPTS)
• USP
• Branding
• Advertising
• Website/Social Media Presence
• Office Space & equipment
• Fees (what to charge)
• Writing up a contract template for customers
• How you will pitch yourself to potential customers
• How much money do you have to spend/live on before you start to earn?
• How do you get paid?
  

And that my friends, has been my life for the last four weeks! My average bedtime has become 1am (an easy sacrifice if working in the evenings means still getting to be with my children 4 full days a week)...and I have indeed eaten my body wait in strawberry laces!

You know childbirth? Thousands and thousands of women do it every day and quite often go back for seconds or thirds despite how much sweat, pain and tears it takes. That's a bit what this is like, it is lots of hard work, clammy hands I have to keep pushing myself...but I know that deep breath after deep breath after deep breath it will all fall suddenly into place and become something really quite wonderful, my work baby! 

So going back to where we started...my DILEMMA is that as part of this journey I have to choose to hold off on the fun nitty gritty stuff like advertising and exploring all sorts of cool digital mediums just for a short while. For now, I invest my time in building this business and making sure the foundations are laid out properly. More time consuming than one had originally thought...indeed...but all part of the process. My dad once told me, and I shall never forget it...

Sometimes in life you have to travel the long way around...

in order to learn things on the way. 

Jim Bob

In other news...my two year old took himself off to the potty and did a poop all by himself tonight! So proud! (Cue picture...but I won't!)

Social Media Dependency...#hashtaghashtag

On Saturday night I dropped my phone in my old office, the bathtub. As it slid under my tired mass I admit retrieval was not as swift or as graceful as it should have been. Alas, by the time I airlifted it from the depths of epsom salts and frantic ripples...it was too late. The words of Monty Python legend John Cleese seeped into my frustrated head "It's passed on...It is no more...It has ceased to be...". Never mind, It was going to happen at some stage. Since then I have rekindled a relationship with my old phone which is absolutely useless so I am spending a lot less time on social media than I normally do. I'll admit it's been tough but i'm coping OK. I'm definitely doing better than I was at the end of last week...

I love my Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Whatsapp etc etc...With a husband away a lot and family and friends across the globe, it makes staying in touch easy and fun! I realise that I have become a bit of a social media "whore" for want of a better word. Staying connected is a part of my life and actually fills my evenings with company, albeit digitally. This week, practically phoneless, I have realised how my life involves a lot of storytelling. I love to tell stories and to engage people in them, making people smile and ultimately making them laugh. AND yeah...OK, i'll put it out there, it makes me feel good when I get a healthy response from something I've posted! I feel like a numpty admitting that, but I do! I am not one of those that uses social media to offload how I am feeling, I don't seek attention through people feeling sorry for me. If i've had a crappy day or if someone has upset me I wont turn to Facebook to be a shoulder to cry on. That's not how I tick... There are people who treat social media as a means to express their Eastender'esque life dramas by revealing fairly personal content about themselves and situations that are occuring, in their lives. That's fine, knock yourself out! Personally I tend to back away from that...However, I do like to entertain. Or at least try to entertain and create small, positive and when possible, meaningful narratives...

This is Social Media GOLD...It's a baby...on a Skateboard! People go mad for this kind of material! Ultimate 'like' magnet!

Over the past few weeks I have been talking to a lot of people about how my new company eHive is about helping businesses to tell stories online about their product or service which will engage with the public. Stories which entice, interact and ultimately sell! That's business! But it's about me helping people to build their work into online communities that stand out within a much larger online community being the t'internet! It's no easy thing. There is no avoiding the fact that life, for so many of us,  is jam packed, it's against the clock and it's online. Whether on our phones, our smart TV's, iPads or computers...The world has become, and continues to become even more so...DIGITAL! We have become a culture in which we can't go to the loo without glancing at our phones to see if we have missed anything despite the fact that we checked it 30 seconds before. Sitting down and watching a film from start to finish without glancing at our mobile devices 100 times is a thing of the past! Because we have forgotten the fact that it is OK to not 'like' or reply immediately! Our attention spans are becoming shorter and shorter and short...INSTANT INSTANT INSTANT...EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE DONE INSTANTLY AND SPEED IS GOOD!!!FASTER INTERNET, FASTER DOWNLOADS, FASTER BATTERY CHARGING...I wonder if to save time we will evolve to start talking in hashtags. #goodtoseeyou #mustdash #PMme...But seriously, what are we afraid might happen if we turn our phones off for a couple of hours... DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN... Will we miss the latest trend? Will we become social outcasts!!! #OMG #itsnotevenworththinkingabout!!!...I digress...my sincere apologies...

SO, for business, engaging with people with short, snappy posts using lots of imagery is a really effective way to interact and advertise your product or service. The fact that we are using the digital world to advertise our lives as well...a social fusion of likes, shares, hashtags, selfies, dating... BLOGGING and all the rest of it is something which, when you think about it is really quite odd but ever so addictive. I would even go as far as saying that we are becoming dependent on it. The irony of it being called 'Social Media' when actually it is probably taking us further and further away from being social. I choose whatsapp/snapchat to communicate with my friends and family over picking up the phone to call them 90% of the time. I actually hate speaking on the phone...is that because I have evolved this way? I was 14 years old when I got my first mobile phone...16 years of text communication must have impacted on me somehow. I wonder what is next...transportation from one device to another...how cool would that be...

JIMINY CRICKET!!! I am not saying that any of this is bad. Heck! I am in the midst of setting up a digital marketing business! This post is more of a self observation, I am in the web of social media in a very BIG way just as millions and millions of others are. Social Media is life as we know it and there is a very fine line between online advertising (business) and social media. No wait, let me rephrase that, Social Media is business!...To some of you, you will find that comment quite depressing, to others you will probably just think..."Yeah? And?".

An example of the classic Selfie! I was sat in the car waiting for my husband and for some reason felt it was a good opportunity to take a photo of myself...waiting for my husband...in the car...??? 

HAPPY DAZE...

It's September, I am not sure how, but it is. My phone, computer, television and radio have repeatedly informed me that today is Friday! Not that it makes much difference to me what day of the week it actually is and not that I keep a track these days. To be completely honest, I thought it was Sunday...moving on...

It has just gone 9pm and I am in my new, temporary office, the one which I told you about last time. The one which has become my little personal cove of research, creativty and concentation. I am pleased, our relationship is working well. Having my set up makes me feel a bit more responsible for what it is that I am attempting to do with eHive. I keep catching a glance of my tee-shirt in the window reflection which states quite boldly 'Happy Daze'. It's one of my favorite tee-shirt brands sold at Topshop called 'Tee & Cake', this is not an advertising plug, I simple love their tees...but each time I notice it, it reminds me that in my ever wavering mind of nervousness and self doubt that life is good. Life is OK. Everything will be OK...I CAN DO THIS!!! In the wise words of my pal earlier on today, "Set yourself small tasks"...this I can do for sure!

After a visit from my brother and 2 year old nephew last weekend and my dear friend this week I have had little time to get to business. It has been a beautiful week of woodland walks and beach visits. However,  it left me feeling a bit daunted this morning as one of those self imposed rain clouds hovered above my head until at least 5pm this afternoon as I tried to get back into my work! What am I doing? I've lost my trail of perspective! How am I going to reach people?

Sure, at this stage of eHive (which is the mere beginning) most of what I am doing is research and trying to find ground in which to grow on. There is such a VAST amount of information online and the digital marketing/social media community is one which spreads so far and so deep it can be quite overwhelming! However, what a joy to discover on opening my business Twitter account last week that the majority of digital bees are in fact very welcoming and generous when it comes to sharing information and inviting others to get involved with online communities, unless I am being naive! But still, from the generosity of online sharing that I have experienced so far. I couldn't be more reassured that help is at hand when I need it and information is available by the bucket load. I am actually excited to spend the next few days giving every spare moment of my time to research! REASEARCH!  I love the empowering, self satisfying feeling of declaring that I am RESEARCHING! It sounds so important! To immerse oneself in RESEARCH is like swimming in a sea of knowledge and self tuition! #LOLZ...and all to discover how best to tell and present online stories which will capture the attention and emotions of the public across the digital world. On behalf of myself narrating my own stories, and on behalf of other businesses who need a bit of support...OOOoooooo I am excited.

A BIG shout out to masterful-marketing.com. Finding your website has been a great source of information to me this week. Very clear and easy to follow. Really a great foundation to getting a strategy template put together and what is important to include. And just as importantly what not to include. The perfect stepping stone for me. Thank you.

And thank you to a friend. A beautiful friend who I love very much. Your parcel arrived today when I needed it most! A card telling me to believe in myself and a piece of wall art which states... "You are the Bee's Knees'. You have no idea what that meant to me. Not only from a confidence point of view, but also because I have never really appreciated my knees as much as I should. Peace and love to you my friend. xxx

Getting down to business...OFFICE SPACE

Most of my family and friends will know that when my babes go to bed, I like to spend a good hour in the tub. There are two very good reasons for this. Number one...I am alone, our bathtub is large enough for one adult and one adult only and we have a lock on the door, so I repeat...I AM ALONE! Deep, hot and full of Epsom salts, my tired, jungle gym abused, physically exhausted shell can breath and recharge allowing my muscles to take a sigh of relief...It's not because I love packing my kids off to bed, it's not about that...but because quite frankly, I need it. Mummy needs some mummy time. It's also lovely to wake up looking forward to seeing them as well! 

NOW as not to waste any precious time once out the bathtub, this space in daily time has become my "office". To explain, as my body recharges, my mind starts to re-organise the "admin" in my life. Those conversations that I started with pals but didn't get chance to finish, the photos I've snapped that really need to go on Instagram so that I can lap up all the lovely comments about how wonderful my children are which make me feel really warm and proud. A spot of online banking, amazon buying and yes, spending time apologising to the the friends/family that I have simply ignored. Ignored because their calls or messages came at a time when it was too difficult to reply, albeit mid nappy change or during witching hour or when I quite simply couldn't find brain power to think of anything interesting to say in response. This is probably a good time to admit also, that I am indeed one of those people that believes I've replied to someone, because I did reply...it just didn't go any further than my head, thus it isn't until weeks later that I have in fact realised, I've cold heartedly, blanked someone, probably someone that I really care about...

So...when I met with my first potential client, we chatted for 2 hours. I was full of ideas about how I could improve the presence of her business online and they just came spilling out of me one by one. By the end of the meeting it seemed to be a done deal that the client was happy and we were to move forward...as I drove away it suddenly dawned on me, the one thing that i needed to make this work, the one thing that was going to be the make or break...was MY OWN SPACE!!! I realised that I probably wouldnt have time for long bath soaks anymore, that was a sacrifice that I am more than happy to make. When you set up a business you need to give it 110%, it's really time consuming and I am learning this the hard way, already this week I have had nil bath hours! (I have washed and showered). But, seriously, from here on in the bathtub isn't suffice. Not unless we are at that stage with modern technologies and I don't believe we are. As a mother of young children AND a daydreamer, to work in the living quarters of my family home would be a disaster. I suffer with minor OCD (not diagnosed) and if I see something out of place or if there is an opportunity to sweep or get my hoover out for some shapes across the floor I will take it...I will take it with a smile on my face, a groove in my step and I will keep going. I will keep going until I realise I've sung through the whole soundtrack of Les Miserables and am in fact being beckoned by a small person who desperately needs my attention because a raisin is stuck somewhere it shouldn't be or because there is poo on the carpet. Because tidying/organising helps to clear the space in ones head. Therefore, if I am to provide a service to people, I need a clear, organised space to work in. And that my friends, needs to be my space to be made ultimately into my place! 

Lot's of marvellous stationery, an hour shifting furniture and delivery of a monster whiteboard later...I have my office! In The Practice of Everyday Life by Michel De Certeau explains...

“To walk is to lack a place. It is the indefinite process of being absent and in search of a proper. The moving about that the city multiplies and concentrates makes the city itself an immense social experience of lacking a place -- an experience that is, to be sure, broken up into countless tiny deportations (displacements and walks), compensated for by the relationships and intersections of these exoduses that intertwine and create an urban fabric, and placed under the sign of what ought to be, ultimately, the place but is only a name, the City...a universe of rented spaces haunted by a nowhere or by dreamed-of places.”

Now that I have my cove, my working place of four small walls and an atmosphere in which I can indeed make my own desired fabric I feel I can move on...Over the next couple of days I shall be creating spreadhseets, writing up contracts, creating a tailored marketing strategy and spending many minutes staring helplessly off into space as small, grey, clouds drift pass my overflowing mind...and as the sun creeps back in again, reminding me that I am facing a challenge that can be succeeded, I shall feel that little bit more confident knowing that I am doing it in the pleasure of my own office space. Ultimately, setting up this business is about me trying to find a happy medium for me and my family, finding my place in the world. The place in which I create my work and make this happen, is exactly the same, just on a smaller scale, but needless to say, very much just as important. 

Laying Down the Line - eHive is Born!

It's definitely a cliché but “In order for people to take you seriously, you need to begin by taking yourself seriously.” Coming from me, this is quite something. For the best part of my life I have pretty much been the biggest obstacle in it. An obstacle which indeed knows how to ruin a moment or a compliment without even knowing I'm doing it.

A couple of months ago I returned home from work and within a few minutes my 3 year old son approached me and asked “Mummy, are you happy?”. My immediate reaction to this was to lie, and say “Yes, of course, Mummy is happy”. To this, he smiled his biggest smile, the kind of smile that a parent yearns for, he grabbed the sides of my mouth with his chubby, dirty, waffle ketchup smelling hands and pulled upwards with all of his gentle strength. At this point I knew I resembled a sorrowful clown that had a happy face forced upon it. He looked me in the eyes and said “See Mummy, this is how you smile!”...it didn't take much more than this to know, some changes needed to be made, and it was going to be down to me to make them.

It's easy to get warped into a spiral of miseraballness, a word not entirely grammatically correct, but for now, miseraballness is the word we shall use to describe the bubble we experience just before breaking point. I know about depression. I've seen it, I've lived with it through family and friends and I know how to recognise the signs. Thankfully I have a little fight inside of me to recognise those signs. I know that unless control is taken, unless a conscious shift in patterns takes place, then things could spiral uncontrollably into a dark pit of numb, bare, bleakness.

We have all read the articles, the joys of being a stay at home Mum (and, actually this applies to fathers too). The self defying content that describes how staying at home looking after your children is the hardest and yet the most rewarding job on the planet and who on earth can argue with that? I certainly can't. It IS the most wonderful job and yet...the lack of personal space, the day shift that runs straight into the night shift, the inability to express ones wild side which was second nature before tiny fingers and toes came along. The endless hours wondering what happened to ones identity...it goes on and on and on. Nothing more so than the GUILT that comes with parenthood! As a new parent the GUILT that we feel. GUILT for ignoring the cries for more than 3 minutes, the GUILT for desperately needing time alone and the GUILT for wanting more...more than the company of your own children. What's not to be GUILTY about?

There is no greater privilege than having the advantage to stay at home with ones children. There is no question. Millions of women don't have that choice so to complain about it, to want anything else...selfishness? I thought so. I thought so for a long time. So much so that I have disliked myself for too long thinking that desiring more than being a full time mum should even enter my brain, my mind, my soul and now my face too! However, THANK GOD my little boy felt the need to remind me what a smile was, to make me realise how I was feeling inside was now seeping its way out of my pores and onto my exterior.

It's time to put things into perspective. My two amazing, beautiful, headstrong little bear cubs are the best part of me. Its unquestionable. When I am with them I cherish them, when I am not I miss them. They are my life, and yes...dare I say in it's cheesiest form, they are my sunshine! Yet, they are two human beings needing me, and so am I, I need me too. If I am happy then so are they.

I returned to work when my second son was a mere 12 months old, a fact of which I have felt GUILTY of for an entire year. The decision to do so based on my own sanity. With a husband that works away and denying post-natal depression, it seemed the best move. Time passed and things were not right, the juggle, the sacrifice of time, the GUILT of saying no to either my children or to work commitments. The balance was wrong. A new approach was needed.

I am what I am. Rightly or wrongly, I do not possess the character, the mind nor the stimulation to not work. I have to accept that it is not an option for me, I need to work in order to keep motivated. I have worked since I was 13 years old. Albeit, my first job was for £10 a day on a Saturday scraping up dog poop on the spookiest little dog breeding farm in Dundry with a chap that wore funny shoes...but it was work. The feeling of independence simply grew and grew from there. I like working. It doesn't make me an alien. It is simply who I am. But now I will erase all obstacles and make working, work for me and for my children! Now, I am the boss!

So, here I am. This week I have registered my new business, eHive Digital Marketing Ltd. I have secured my first client and I am more determined than I have been for an incredibly long time. I have had to stop and ask myself a few questions. If there were no obstacles, no barriers inside of my ever wandering mind, what would be my ultimate aim? My answer to this is simple, for my children to grow up with a mother who is happy, who makes them happy and to be recognised by them as a fun, creative and hard-working soul. That is all. Why can't I be what they need, and be what I need all at the same time? Well, it is time now to give it a darn good try. I know, as their mother, if I am happy then ultimately, they will be too. I want to walk through the door, and my son to be enlightened by my face, not worried by it.

To all mothers and fathers out there, no matter who you are, what you are and what your dreams are. Never let any preconceived ideas get in your way, and as I started with a cliché, let me at least end with one...always stay true to who you are and believe in it what you are doing!

The word GUILT is from now on forwards...RELEASED from my soul! 

My little rays of sunshine!